Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
