Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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