Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
