Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
