Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
