I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
