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So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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