I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
