You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
