She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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