I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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