I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
