she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
