And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
