i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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