someone threw a dead crab at me
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
People in love make me want to vomit
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
