i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
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