Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
50% drunk capacity currently
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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