Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
My cat gives me a boner
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
