Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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