Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
