So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize