my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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