You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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