is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
