Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
