i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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