i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
