woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I will be naked everywhere
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
