So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
