Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
