I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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