It's like God shit irony all over that family
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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