I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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