I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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