ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Floor bacon is actually really good
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
