i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
