John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I love you. Go after that dick
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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