nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize