Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
