I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
