I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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