His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
