I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Couch. On fire.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
