First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
