My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Barsexuality is the new black.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
