Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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