Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
