I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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