Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
