i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
if only i could text you this smell
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
