Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
