In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I wish there were birth control emojis
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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