I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
