I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
