i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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