I faked an abortion last night.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
